I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
