i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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