every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
