She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
