Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
