I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
