I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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