I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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