I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
