I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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