where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
