The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
