Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
