i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Houston, we have a squirter
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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