brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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