I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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