she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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