the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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