I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
