dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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