she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
