Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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