meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
