She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
