Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
