I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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