He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
