the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
