i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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