Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
