she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
