The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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