her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
third nipple confirmed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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