Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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