Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
