drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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