I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
