Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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