When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And then my night got REAL pukey
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
