I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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