Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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