Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
