alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
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I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize