oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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