Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
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We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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