I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
