Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just had sex bonerless
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
jump out the window naked night went bad
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
