either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
