I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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