I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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