Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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