Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
