he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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