My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
