life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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