I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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