I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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