I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
